Friendships of Propinquity and Commonality

[mishalak]

Last Sunday, while it was snowing furiously, I had a very interesting conversation with friendly_drelb. I asked her about making friends in the workplace and she introduced me to a very useful word. Propinquity means nearness in distance or time and she called friendships mainly based upon factors like where we work friendships of propinquity. She went on to note that everyone seems to form these sorts of friendships when very young. We end up being friends with the other children who live on the same block, in the same classroom, and so on. But by the time we're in high school most of our friendships are based upon common interest and may keep together longer.

Not everyone is like this though. Rose related how some people are mystified by people remaining friends even when they can no longer do things together on a regular basis. It also seems to me that science fiction fans go to the other extreme. If they don't have something in common with other people they don't want to be friends with them just because it would be convenient. I suppose part of that is that other people tend to have more common interests, football or whatever as a common glue to hold together convenient relationships.

If I had the money to just do whatever I wanted I might do a study on this. It would be interesting to find out how and why people make friends.

Comments

[bugshaw.livejournal.com]

It is often said that the fannish brain works in a particular way, and once you have experienced this nearness of mindset you are inclined to pursue it through whatever means necessary (long-distance friendships) rather than the frustration of forming relationships based on mere geographical proximity.

[don-fitch.livejournal.com]

I'm sure many Studies have been done on this topic -- it's something most people who are self-aware and who deal with human inter-relationships think about, frequently. In fact, I've thought about it so much as to have become Totally Confused to the point of being unable, any more, to draw distinct lines in the spectrum that ranges from "closest Friend" to "distant acquaintance towards whom I've felt a flash of extremely friendly feeling".

The propinquity aspect you've mentioned can certainly be important in several ways. I notice it especially when attending reunions of my old Army Outfit -- the fact that Fate threw us together for 18 months (including a rite-of-passage 8 months On The Line in Korea), 50+ years ago, has established a lasting relationship that we often call "friendship", though I rather think it doesn't really qualify for that. We don't, as a Group, actually have much in common in the way of other life-experiences or shared atitudes or approaches to dealing with the world or one-another.

I think Bugshaw has the crucial point with "attitiudes & approaches held in common". A "common interest" is significant mostly only in providing a venue for association ("propinquity" of one kind or another) and communication; what's important is that we have similar or highly-compatible ways of looking at things. (And, for fans, these ways tend to be "unusual" in the context of most of the people we encounter in the world.) Mind you, "similar/compatible" doesn't preclude coming to very different conclusions and having Vigorous Arguments -- which might or might not affect the degree of "friendship" involved.

This is, I think, a topic that will support a great deal of introspection, reflection, and debate -- which I don't happen to be game for at the moment, but will enjoy observing if other people engage in it.

The karass sans religion

[friendly-drelb.livejournal.com]

I think the strongest "something in common" isn't an interest like reading SF or collecting coins or enjoying slasher movies, but a deeper commonality of world view, values, sense of humor, etc. It's hard to describe, but when you meet someone who does it's like a tuning fork that vibrates the same as yours. I will say that of the groups I have been involved in, it may be easier to recognize it in fandom that some of the others--because people in fandom often feel little need to maintain a social front of any kind. (This can be good or bad.) However, it does mean that it can be much easier to really see the person.