Horror Dream
Feb. 21st, 2004 10:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mishalakMichael "woke" in the woods. He had been asleep there for two months ever since his body was dumped late one December night. He couldn't see anything and he could not remember where he was. His arms responded sluggishly to requests that no longer came from brain and nerve. His arms came free of the littler of leaves and rotting matter on the forest floor leaving behind a bit of himself.
With fingers giving just a bare memory of touch he feels his head and finds a leather hood covering the upper half of his face.. He fumbles with one hand and then the other at the back, sitting up now. He doesn't seem to have the coordination to unlace the frozen knots holding the hood closed. In a moment of frustration he pulls apart and the weather hardened leather splits almost easily.
The third full moon since he had been left here shone through the bare branches of trees. The snow lay in thin patches here and there across the landscape with dark inclusions of branches and leaf littered earth between. He had been under a thin covering of earth and now looking down with his still perfect blue eyes he could see that the rest of his body was desiccated, rotted, and dead. Only where the leather pressed tightly to his skin above his mouth was there anything left of the beautiful young man he had been.
And he remembered. He remembered going home with him. Of being drunk of getting into a scene he should not have. He remembered being abused and chained. He remembered the one who went too far and suffocated him to death. From that it was easy to imagine what would have happened. Get the body out of the house, don't want to get in trouble, and can't look at his dead eye so leave just that hood on him.
Michael rose up in anger, he knew exactly what he wanted to do now before he went back to the cool embrace of the earth. He was going to kill the man who killed him and he called out in a horrible raspy voice in the woods that startled wildlife in the dark, "BRAD!"
Re: Critic At Large
Date: 2004-03-09 10:25 pm (UTC)Your narrative is good. Some recommendations would be to have you review your punctuation. Parts need pauses which punctuation would provide. (ie: With fingers giving just a bare memory of touch he feels his head and finds a leather hood covering the upper half of his face.. He fumbles with one hand and then the other at the back, sitting up now. He doesn't seem to have the coordination to unlace the frozen knots holding the hood closed. In a moment of frustration he pulls apart and the weather hardened leather splits almost easily.) The style you are using does bring the reader into the story as an observer. Maybe add a sentence or two concerning discovering the five senses, again. How does he "find" the leather hood? Feel it on his face, can not see, smells the rot, taste the dry leather cow hide, hears; but, muffled. Maybe all the above?
In the last paragraph, I think quotation marks would clarify the action better.
Not much to critique. You did well on this short.
Re: Critic At Large
Date: 2004-06-17 08:08 pm (UTC)