Adaptive Online, Maladaptive Off Line

[mishalak]

I started writing this big long essay about how online relationships, whether between people or people and groups, are less firm as a result of the cost of investment. This was brought on by my dropping a number of groups and individuals I read on LJ because I found that they were not longer useful reads for me and reflecting on the fact that I would not be so apt to drop an off line friend or group. This started off when I started trying to be helpful to a person on a group without reflecting on what I was doing. It made me think about what was adaptive behavior in one environment is maladaptive in a different one.

But eventually after my feelings were worked out I found that I did not want to write an essay about this subject. Bloviating at length can be grand fun, but only when I feel like I actually know something. My thinking eventually lead me to believe that I do not have an informed opinion on this subject. Is the internet really like picking out dishes in a sushi boat restaurant where most people don't worry about if they don't like an individual item because there will be something else along soon? Or do most users treat it like an extension of off line situations where work is put into the relationships?

Comments

[dd-b.livejournal.com]

I certainly can't speak for "most users". I think I have a failure mode of being too willing to put in energy for online relationships.

I wonder if the failures online come from people in one group putting in work to relationships online with people who *don't* do that?

[mishalak.livejournal.com]

It seems a very reasonable hypothesis that a differences in expectations/behaviors cause a lot of failures.

[boywhocantsayno.livejournal.com]

I try to put as much effort in to my online friendships as I do to my real-life ones, but a large part of that may be due to the fact that I've actually met most of my online friends in real life, and so they aren't just anonymous pixels on my screen.

I may not be able to help you move, for instance, but if you need a shoulder to cry on, I can be there (and am currently there for someone - ironically, someone I haven't actually met).

[mishalak.livejournal.com]

I think I am more distant (and aggressive) online than I am in person. I do not do so well with emotions online. Not that I'm great with them in person. But at least I can do things in person. Offer a drink or something.

[eiricmacbean.livejournal.com]

Bloviating? I like that word. :-) Sometimes even if you don't share it anywhere, just writing things out can help sort the thoughts.
Here's my tuppence, anyway. In some cases, I suppose I do treat the net like a sushi bar or buffet. My webcomics reading, for example. Some I've tried and let go by when I didn't enjoy them as much as I'd thought. In that case, I know there are plenty of other comics to read. Personal interaction falls into two categories: people I already know offline, and those I only know online. The relationships take work in both cases, but I probably put more energy into the friendships with people I have more than just a passing connection to. I tend to pick my online groups of friends carefully, so usually don't drop a group unless it's gone inactive or there's a good reason to back out of it.
And there's always the caveat that some people don't or can't seem to invest in any relationship whether online or offline. The internet just makes it easier to be a wallflower or 'leave the room'.