Resolve to Be Better

[mishalak]

I came to a decision today. It has come time for me to get out. By accepting my parents' generosity I am being reduced to a child. I do not stand on an equal footing with them and therefore I cannot accept what they want to give me. Because what they give will always come with strings, that's the nature of unequal gifts. I cannot accept a job with my father's new business; if I do I'll be forever his lackey. I cannot stay here. I may end up broke, though I certainly do not plan on it, but this has to end. I have no independence and I cannot refuse what they want as long as I allow myself to be trapped here. Come the end of July I will accept any job, no matter how menial, and I will move out of here.

From some objective monetary analysis this probably looks like foolishness. But I find myself mired in mental traps and going along with what they want rather than what I want, while seething inside. This isn't healthy, this isn't right, and I'm going to fix it.

Comments

Abso-freakin-lutely

[armoire-man.livejournal.com]

Yes. Looking forward to your movement toward freedom and growth, away from family dependence. Keep us posted.

Re: Abso-freakin-lutely

[mishalak.livejournal.com]

Will try to. Glad to see that you're doing better.

[julesjones]

This is sensible, because you are more likely to preserve a good relationship with your parents by being independent, but make sure that it is a job that will not rapidly come to seem worse than staying with your parents.

And make sure that you find somewhere to live that doesn't leave you socially isolated. I don't think it helped last year that most of the people you knew in the Bay area weren't within easy travelling distance. I know I'd have seen a lot more of you if there hadn't been a minimum of two hours travelling each way because neither of us had a car.

[mishalak.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the advice. Though I tend to be very socially isolated no matter where I am. That just usually isn't a problem if I haven't got a high stress job dealing with other people's money.

[julesjones]

My depression is much less severe than yours, but I've also got a ten year head start on you on being a misanthropic git. :-) I might as well inflict the occasional outside opinion on you, just in case you find it useful for calibrating whether the grass really is greener over there.

[mishalak.livejournal.com]

The prospect of dealing with people on any social level just seems... terrible right now. In an ideal world my work would come through a little box in the wall and I'd do it and pass it back out again. As soon as I'm done with the day's work I'm free to read and avoid people for the rest of the day. I freqently feel lonely, but most of the time the hate of people is stronger than that.

[vicarage.livejournal.com]

I lived with my parents last year, for periods of 10 months (with 4 months weekly commuting 200 miles to a poor job), 6 months away at a crap job, 6 weeks back. and now 2 years away. They were a useful base when looking for work, supportive and undemanding, but you have to live on their terms, and fall back on childlike traits (which is hard when you're 36!). Fiancially it was handy, though I had plenty of cash, but the key thing was it avoided committment, having to sign rental agreements or horror of horrors, live in shared houses. I suspect we are equally intolerant of that.

But it allowed me to try one job which was not really right for me, but killed by social isolation, and then spend time looking for a second (which was awful) before finally ending up here (great place, huge social isolation)

Job hunting while all your physical needs are met can be desultory, but clearly you've got the emotional impetus to escape. But once you start a new job it will be much harder to find a better one, because of limited time, and the suggestion you are fickle, so be wary of leaping into anything.

If you need to get out, how long can you afford to rent somewhere? How sympathetic would your parents be to subsidising you if you explained the situation to them. Is there obvious location you could move to near your friends that also retains contact with your parents, who'd probably be upset if you dropped them again after all their kindness. BTW, have you asked them how they feel about your stating on longer?

We must meet up to do something, though you are dimetrically across Denver from me. Museums and thetre good, films bad, and I suspect we don't have the same musical taste!

[mishalak.livejournal.com]

I agree, museums are good. Musically I almost never go to concerts. I listen to classical, showtunes, and a hodge podge of other stuff, but nothing that I go out for.

[tobesv.livejournal.com]

Take the job with your dad. Its a job, and the income will give you the security to be able to move out. You can find another job later. Its better than having a crappy job you hate, and not being able to save any money and then ending up having to move back in with your parents because you can't afford the rent.

Just my opinion you understand. I don't presume to know what's best for you, but I've experience of working for my father and living with my parents as an adult.

[vicarage.livejournal.com]

But its a job that it will be much more complicated to leave than most. I'd be wary

[mishalak.livejournal.com]

If I take the job with my dad I'll have to interact with him regularly even if I do move out. And that means that I will end up killing him. Sitting around having a beer and talking about science fiction movies is fine on a rare occasion. But other than that I really hate spending time with him.

[mjlayman.livejournal.com]

Excellent choice! Let us know how it goes.