Blood and Honey
Mar. 22nd, 2004 11:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mishalakIt is very difficult to write well when depressed. I suspect that this will turn out to be rather like off cheese when I read it later, but here it goes.
First Part, First Draft
It was two months before Robert realized the nature of his neighbor. He simply had not bothered to learn who lived next door since the Beechers had moved out. But on the night of the 21st it suddenly became very important to him. It was a late night for him just back from Denver at sunset. The longest day and shortest night of the year seemed a good time to celebrate to him, the hardest day for the vamps. He climbed the stairs to his finished attic bedroom and saw his neighbor for the first time in the deepening twilight.
There was no doubt that the pale figure in the next yard was not human. He moved with that serpentine grace of the bloodsuckers. When the pale figure entered the large garage at the rear of the property he disappeared into the darkened door without bothering to turn on a light. That fact cinched it for Robert; he had a vampire for a neighbor.
He felt a bit weak in the knees. He had been living next door to the undead for how long without noticing? A hard pit of anger was growing in his belly the more he thought about it. This thing had been able to move in next door to him without so much as giving notice. It always had not been right that the Supreme Court had made them legal, but now, now it was worse. Next door. Able to listen to every move he made in his own house with the vampire's supernatural hearing. Probably using mind control on half the residents around here by now.
The more he thought about it the more he couldn't stand it. He would take action; he'd do something about this. Robert Hahn wasn't going to take this; he was going to do something about it!
First Part, First Draft
It was two months before Robert realized the nature of his neighbor. He simply had not bothered to learn who lived next door since the Beechers had moved out. But on the night of the 21st it suddenly became very important to him. It was a late night for him just back from Denver at sunset. The longest day and shortest night of the year seemed a good time to celebrate to him, the hardest day for the vamps. He climbed the stairs to his finished attic bedroom and saw his neighbor for the first time in the deepening twilight.
There was no doubt that the pale figure in the next yard was not human. He moved with that serpentine grace of the bloodsuckers. When the pale figure entered the large garage at the rear of the property he disappeared into the darkened door without bothering to turn on a light. That fact cinched it for Robert; he had a vampire for a neighbor.
He felt a bit weak in the knees. He had been living next door to the undead for how long without noticing? A hard pit of anger was growing in his belly the more he thought about it. This thing had been able to move in next door to him without so much as giving notice. It always had not been right that the Supreme Court had made them legal, but now, now it was worse. Next door. Able to listen to every move he made in his own house with the vampire's supernatural hearing. Probably using mind control on half the residents around here by now.
The more he thought about it the more he couldn't stand it. He would take action; he'd do something about this. Robert Hahn wasn't going to take this; he was going to do something about it!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2004-03-23 08:36 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-03-23 05:32 pm (UTC)Re: Critic At Large
Date: 2004-03-23 11:36 am (UTC)What I like about the story so far. You allow the reader to begin to decide which character to relate. "The new neighbor is unnatural evil." "The new neighbor is a misunderstood soul." "The new neighbor is the raving of Hahn's mind and wild imagination." Then, what about the new neighbor? As a reader, I am saying, "Tell me more. Let me decide for myself." In four paragraphs, you have drawn me into your story.
You need to work on two parts. Depending on how you want the character of Robert to develop. You need to explain "That fact (which) cinched it for Robert; he had a vampire for a neighbor." If Robert is an "Archie Bunker" type (who takes one or two aspects of a person and draws a lifetime conclusion), you need to develop "Archie" for the reader. If the new neighbor is, in fact, a vampire, develop what "cinched" the conclusion. In either case, this sentence came too quick for the reader. The reader doesn't see what you are seeing.
"It always had not been right that the Supreme Court had made them legal, but now, now it was worse." This is a sentence "Archie Bunker" would say. It contains all the verbs and nouns; but, makes only a little sense. (Again, if this is your intent, it is a good sentence. You simply need to warn the reader, "Archie is about to speak. Get ready for his twisted logic!") However, if you intend to make Hahn's an educated character, you will need to work on this sentence. You need to develop his thought.
I know exactly where you are going with the "supreme court" decision. It would be better to draw this out. In other words, it is too obvious where you are going. I don't mind having a social justice discussion; but, not while I am reading my fiction. I would pick up the op-ed section of the newspaper for reality and opinion. Think about making this more subtle (just as you were in comparing the differences in the lanterns of Cazamir and Sasha.) Robert may be an "Archie Bunker"; but, don't allow yourself to be a "Meat Head". Not to be a "cutting critic"; but, one rule to follow. "Always assume your reader can think and has a brain." Present you arguments with subtlety and perspective. When the reader can set down the book thinking a new perspective, you have won the debate. When the reader sets down the book thinking op-ed, you are no longer writing fiction. When you write fiction, you DO write of this world as though it were far, far, far, far away.
I do like the first draft. I, as always, look forward to see how you develop it. I regret the depression you are feeling. However, I see it is beautiful in Colorado. Are you traveling? Or, is it more than spring fever? Either way, I hope you begin to feel better! Maybe a walk in the park, get some fresh air. Take a friend you can just be dumb and stupid! That always seems to help me! Take care!
Re: Way Cool
Date: 2004-03-31 08:06 am (UTC)How does it work?
Does it come naturally? Does it flow out of you? Is it built up in you and you can write it all at once?
Where do you go from here? I think it is just cool you can write the stuff you do. You can write about "the iron" then write about life then write about the vampire then a love story. You can sit and write. I want to see how you change things in this story and make it. Maybe I can learn what I learned in school and maybe bring something out in me.