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The (attempted) Dinosaur Ridge Robbery
Jun. 24th, 2003 11:07 pmA publication from the Denver Ministry of Memory and Culture.
If you were to drive along Denver's beltway, C-470, on the west side of town you might notice a strangely straight line just barely visible about halfway up the ridge that is the easternmost battlement of the Central Rocky Mountains. Now if you asked a historian he might try to confuse you with all sorts of "facts" about scenic roads or some such nonsense.
The true story started back in 1910, a boom year for super villainy. Grand Junction crackpot and mad scientist Joshua Hardscrabble set out to ransom the city of Denver and State of Colorado through theft of Dinosaur Ridge. Even then it was famous as the first major find of dinosaur fossils in the West. Hardscrabble figured that by stealing such a famous landmark he would gain fame and fortune and thus finance a trip to the moon. Not very clear thinking, not one for planning, but he was fantastic with designs.
So he created a blimp (yes it was a blimp, he didn't want the dead weight of a frame, now don't interrupt) with a mountain grabbing gondola. On the evening of April 3rd he figured the weather conditions were right, cold yet calm enough that he could generate enough lift with his mile long craft to steal Dinosaur Ridge. Under cover of darkness he inflated his craft and set out for the unsuspecting metropolis.
From the very start he was in trouble. He had not remembered to pack a map, but where a lesser man (or a more sensible one) might have gone back for one he decided instead to demand directions from people on the ground. Joshua's bellowed demands for directions to people met with limited success. At least one drunkard, Mr. Abram Smith of South Park, was reformed by the vision of "a demonic beast of enormous size descending from the heavens to eat me while screaming for Dinosaurs in a dreadful voice."
Eventually the craft arrived near Morrison and the grappling hooks and saws descended to remove a section of the Dakota Hogback. Unfortunately his trip had taken considerably longer than expected and the work was slow going so as the sun rose he had a number of curious spectators watching his progress. A Mrs. Clousau from the town was brave enough to climb up and ask what he was doing. Hardscrabble obligingly told her he was stealing Dinosaur Ridge for a ransom of one million dollars. She laughed and told him he was going to have a bit of trouble on that, since he was south of town and the famous Dinosaur Ridge was north of Morrison.
Well at this point we think that Joshua got a little bit flustered. It is thought he wanted to move his operation to steal the correct mass of sandstone, but in his haste he forgot to properly release the cables. Mrs. Clousau may have intended just this, she was noted in Morrison for outwitting unruly individuals. So he tried to take off and instead tore several giant holes in his craft and shifted the whole top of the hogback several feet backwards. Combined with the tailings of his cutting operation it made for a nice trail on the face of the ridge. As for Joshua Hardscrabble he managed to light his craft on fire trying to heat the gas for greater lift when he was almost home again. He parachuted to safety in the town of that name and thereafter took to supplying super villains rather than trying to be one himself.
Thus ends the little known tale of the Great Dinosaur Ridge Robbery.
If you were to drive along Denver's beltway, C-470, on the west side of town you might notice a strangely straight line just barely visible about halfway up the ridge that is the easternmost battlement of the Central Rocky Mountains. Now if you asked a historian he might try to confuse you with all sorts of "facts" about scenic roads or some such nonsense.
The true story started back in 1910, a boom year for super villainy. Grand Junction crackpot and mad scientist Joshua Hardscrabble set out to ransom the city of Denver and State of Colorado through theft of Dinosaur Ridge. Even then it was famous as the first major find of dinosaur fossils in the West. Hardscrabble figured that by stealing such a famous landmark he would gain fame and fortune and thus finance a trip to the moon. Not very clear thinking, not one for planning, but he was fantastic with designs.
So he created a blimp (yes it was a blimp, he didn't want the dead weight of a frame, now don't interrupt) with a mountain grabbing gondola. On the evening of April 3rd he figured the weather conditions were right, cold yet calm enough that he could generate enough lift with his mile long craft to steal Dinosaur Ridge. Under cover of darkness he inflated his craft and set out for the unsuspecting metropolis.
From the very start he was in trouble. He had not remembered to pack a map, but where a lesser man (or a more sensible one) might have gone back for one he decided instead to demand directions from people on the ground. Joshua's bellowed demands for directions to people met with limited success. At least one drunkard, Mr. Abram Smith of South Park, was reformed by the vision of "a demonic beast of enormous size descending from the heavens to eat me while screaming for Dinosaurs in a dreadful voice."
Eventually the craft arrived near Morrison and the grappling hooks and saws descended to remove a section of the Dakota Hogback. Unfortunately his trip had taken considerably longer than expected and the work was slow going so as the sun rose he had a number of curious spectators watching his progress. A Mrs. Clousau from the town was brave enough to climb up and ask what he was doing. Hardscrabble obligingly told her he was stealing Dinosaur Ridge for a ransom of one million dollars. She laughed and told him he was going to have a bit of trouble on that, since he was south of town and the famous Dinosaur Ridge was north of Morrison.
Well at this point we think that Joshua got a little bit flustered. It is thought he wanted to move his operation to steal the correct mass of sandstone, but in his haste he forgot to properly release the cables. Mrs. Clousau may have intended just this, she was noted in Morrison for outwitting unruly individuals. So he tried to take off and instead tore several giant holes in his craft and shifted the whole top of the hogback several feet backwards. Combined with the tailings of his cutting operation it made for a nice trail on the face of the ridge. As for Joshua Hardscrabble he managed to light his craft on fire trying to heat the gas for greater lift when he was almost home again. He parachuted to safety in the town of that name and thereafter took to supplying super villains rather than trying to be one himself.
Thus ends the little known tale of the Great Dinosaur Ridge Robbery.