Behind the Glass

[mishalak]

elisem is my favorite livejournal personage. Every time she writes something she inspires me to write something about my own life. Here she was writing about feeling like an outsider due to her difficulty hearing what people are saying in group conversations. And that has inspired me to write for a bit about the subject.


Reflections of the Universal Outsider
Everyone feels left out at times. I do because I live in my head a lot, and wrapped up in my own little world I often have difficulty relating to people who don't have this experience. This is why I love fandom. Almost everyone in fandom has an intense inner life, whole worlds inside of them, and so on some level we relate. Even if we don't get along perfectly.

This is in stark contrast to my experience at the few mundane parties I've been invited to. I usually end up going somewhere to hide after I've stood around looking hopeless for a while and not finding any conversation to take part in. I just don't have anything to say to these people and nothing they say speaks to me.

Last year I was invited to Tim Gill's Halloween party. For those of you who don't know, Tim is a former member of DASFA, and now he's probably the richest gay man in Denver. He was cofounder of Quark. Now he does charity work and is a social big wig so it was interesting to get a sort of A-list invitation.

I tried to mix and socialize at the party, I really did. I would walk up to people not already engaged in conversation and ask them about their costumes, that would lead to about two minutes of strained conversation. "Nice costume." "Thanks." <pause> "Um, enjoying the party?" "Yeah." <uncomfortable silence> In the end I just felt left out and I went to hide in a dark room with a drink. I feel at times like this that there is just something in me that leaves a mark on my forehead saying, "GEEK! Run if you value your sanity!"

Similar to a recent mundane Christmas party I've went too (2001) down in Colorado Springs. Twenty minutes of feeling uncomfortable while walking around between groups of people having conversations and then going downstairs to hide in a dark room. I was told later that when I disappeared people wondered where I went, but really I didn't care. I was happier helping set up for the party than I was taking part in it.

Unless it is with my dear friends at something like Freehold Christmas I don't care for parties. I'd rather gut myself with a blunt knife than go to one. Paradoxically I still feel like I'm stuck on the outside with my nose against the glass. I can see they are having fun and I want to have fun too, but I know that even if I went inside I'd still be out in the cold.

There is a Geek Culture. I know that some people dismiss it as a bunch of self-important misanthropes quoting Monty Python at each other, but we really are different. Even when we like the same things that the 'normal' people like we exist in a parallel world, part of their world but hidden. I suspect that is part of why vampire stories are so popular among geeks and gays, something hidden and apart even when it blends into the throngs of people. It's probably almost universal.

Though I also suspect it may be a bit more intense among the geeks. I remember when I was in grade school how there were definite groups of kids. When it was cold out the groups became very obvious since few would be running around to play and confuse who was mixing with who. Standing around in our jackets on the playground we would clump up. The girls would be in two or three large groups of 40 and 20. The boys would be in smaller formations of around eight to ten. And a very few of us wandering about all by ourselves or standing two or three together.